Some sucky things from 2007

Here are some of the recordings that disappointed me the most this past year.

"Sunday Morning In America" by Keith Anderson. This song needs a big "shut up" plastered all over it. I just gave it another listen to point out specific things about it, but other than "megachurch", "eggs and bacon", and "cheerleaders", I think my brain just refused to process it. It's nearly amelodic, and... I don't know. Kind of a misstep. Is he never going to have another "Every Time I Hear Your Name"? Sigh.

"Watching You" by Rodney Atkins. Every time the introduction comes on, I get hopeful, like, "Oh, I know this song! It's... ! It's... ! It's ... oh. Crap. I hate this song." Well, your boy curses, and you shouldn't do it in front of him. Isn't that adorable? No, it's not. It's cliché and lame. "I'm your buckeroo... [and] eat all my food"? Your son wants to eat his food like you? That's a bit much. Also, get a new baseball cap.

"Lost In This Moment" by Big & Rich. Yet another reason to dislike weddings. If I ever have to go to a wedding where someone has chosen this song as his or her wedding song, I will immediately break off ties with that person. It's just so typical that Big & Rich create such offbeat music, normally (not necessarily "good", but certainly atypical), and here comes this throwaway piece of fluff, and it becomes their first Top 10 hit. Yawn.

"Proud Of The House We Built" by Brooks & Dunn. It's a lot more fun if you imagine it as a retelling of the Three Little Pigs story. This is the kind of song Lonestar would record. Boo.

"Alyssa Lies" by Jason Michael Carroll. Are we just supposed to be sad? What are we supposed to do? Is this to draw awareness to the problem of child abuse? So we can stop it? What do you want us to do, Jason Michael Carroll? Also, you look like the guy from Hanson. You know the one. Also again, how old are you? I'm so sure you have a daughter in first grade. This song is terrible.

"Guys Like Me" by Eric Church. This is basically the same song as "How 'Bout You," except stupid. Not that "How 'Bout You" wasn't stupid. Just less so, and sort of rockin'. But Eric Church, who looks like a bird, has apparently decided that he is going to take on the cause of how awesome it is to be hard workin' and blue collar and yadda yadda yadda, and I'm so happy someone said it, because I really feel like that's what's been missing in country music, don't you? Also, you'll be happy to know that, according to the lyrics, even rich girls like guys like Eric Church. It's a comfort to us all.

"A Different World" by Bucky Covington. Ok. OK. Bucky Covington seems to think it's okay to implicitly promote the idea of not wearing bicycle helmets or using seat belts. Because, you know, when he grew up -- which, incidentally, I'm guessing is after I grew up, so I don't really know what he's talking about -- folks didn't need that, and he turned out ok. Which sort of proves the point. Wear your helmet, or you'll also become an untalented singer who lost on American Idol. Good job, loser.

"Moments" by Emerson Drive. Protagonists bonds with homeless man, and neither of them kills himself. Or something. Yay, way to go not dying at your own hand! I'm not sure if we're supposed to be moved, or impressed, or what, but frankly, I'm bored.

Anything by Faith Hill. Yeah, I'm thinking she's done. Between "Lost" and "Red Umbrella" and her just bizarre duet with her husband (more on that later), she is entirely unexciting and sparkless this year. The only glimmer of hope was her inspired recording of "Stealing Kisses," which still flopped. (Too smart for radio?) I think people just don't know what to do with her anymore. She and Shania should team up for a Vegas show or something.

"A Woman's Love" by Alan Jackson. Ol' Alan seems to be softening up and getting... boring and old. I feel like this song has been done a million times before, and... it has.

"Love Me If You Can" by Toby Keith. I can't. Was this song written by Rush Limbaugh? "I hand out my dollars to the homeless [LIE!] / But believe that every able soul should work." Well, I hope that inspires people, there, Tobe. "I stand by my right to speak freely / But I worry 'bout what kids see on TV." You know, like, someone else's right to speak freely. And as though the verses weren't bad enough, the chorus just borders on nonsense. "Love me if you can"? Like, if we can find it in our hearts? Like Jesus would? What a freak.

"Anyway" by Martina McBride. The song's title reflects exactly how I feel about the song. The chorus begins, "God is great [!!! crescendo] / But sometimes life ain't good", and... oh, brother. That's just poor. I just want to know at what point she decided, "You know what? I'm tired of recording meaningful music. Do you have any drivel? That's what I really want to do." And the piano in the beginning doesn't rip off "Imagine" at all.

"Last Dollar (Fly Away)" by Tim McGraw. Ok. Now this song just doesn't make any sense. "My friends are always giving me watches, hats, and wine"? Like, what? Like, WHAT? Your friends give you hats? And then there's the business of his kids singing at the end of the record. No. That's even worse than in a live recording when they let the audience sing. Far, far worse. Almost as bad as this was...

"I Need You" by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. Is this song going for subversive on purpose? "I need you like a needle needs a vein" is... well, it's odd. It's sort of punk. (Also, isn't it moreso that a vein needs a needle?) Then, those lyrics are combined with the remarkably more pedestrian "like my Uncle Joe in Oklahoma needs the rain." (Maybe Joe is a rain junkie. Or, going with the other odd comparison, maybe rain is a Joe junkie.) The best part is that, in the video, Faith Hill stares at her man like ... it's indescribable, really. She's got sort of raccoon eyes of vapidity. Maybe a needle needs a vein.

"Take Me There" by Rascal Flatts. This is beneath them. It's like someone wrote a song and said, "Hey! This is like a bad Rascal Flatts song! Let's send it to them." And the rest is ahistory. The line that slays me: "Tell me 'bout your mama / your daddy / your hometown / show me around." I always want him to rhyme "daddy" with "Cincinnati". You know, "your home town / Cincinnati". That would be much better, I think. And Joe Don's singing (it is Joe Don, isn't it? No, it's Gary. Ok, then, Gary), I mean, Gary's singing is a little showy. You know, like Mariah Carey's singing is a little showy. Relax, boys.

"Everyday America" by Sugarland. It's almost the same song as that Keith Anderson monstrosity I mentioned before. Or, it's sort of like, a cut that didn't make Springsteen's "Born In The U.S.A." album. Or, it's just bad. "Little town and a great big life," fine, but that doesn't mean it's interesting. Let Mellencamp be Mellencamp; won't you? Thanks.

Anything by Taylor Swift. I don't care of she's country's it girl. She's a girl. A little girl. And I know that sounds really dick, but... well, let's see. There's Miranda Lambert. She's very young and pretty, and she knows something about substance. I'm not impressed that Ms. Swift writes her own songs, because they're not good. Let's take "Teardrops On My Guitar", first and foremost. I feel bad for that Drew character, because she has to say his stupid name, what, eight hundred times in the name of the song? And, I'm sorry, when I envision her breaking down and dealing with this boy not loving her, I'm not envisioning there being guitars involved. I'm thinking more like ice cream. Or stuffed animals. That's part of the problem here. I'm not buying her as an artist, and I feel like they're trying to sell her like an artist. And the video for "Teardrops On My Guitar" is ridiculous. This will be chronicled separately.

"Me And God" by Josh Turner. The song is called "Me And God". You do the math. Do I have to spell it out for you?

Anything by Phil Vassar. Oh, Phil Vassar. It's amazing how you can write so many songs that are the EXACT SAME FUCKING SONG.

Anything by Gretchen Wilson. And your short career is over... now. We're just not buying it anymore. Uh, literally or figuratively.